i need to..

..top acting on impulse. i know it's extremely stupid and dangerous to binge and purge as well as restrict. so i have decided for myself that i am to start practicing intuitive eat ASAP. meaning eat when i am hungry and at normal meal times and when i am not hungry or i am full enough to stop eating. now i do know how hard this may be because, well, my version of full and intuitive eat are surely twisted. i want to give my body what it needs and not too much and not too little. i mean we're all trying to live as healthy happy people with a normal relationship to food right? so why not i as well. and if intuitive eating does not work out so well i'll revert back to the good ol' meal plan.bye for now.

~Lindsey

go die bitch..

.. as it just so happens i am telling myself to go die bitch. i am pissed at myself for a lot of reasons. numero uno: i got home from school and started eating and didn't stop. numero dos: i didn't purge and clearly i'm pissed over that. numero tres: i took four extra strength laxatives and am still thinking of taking more. i'm a dumb ass. last night i swore off food then you wanna know what i did at lunch? i ate. now it wasn't like i swore off food for weight and shit, it was because of a fight between me and my "mother." blechh. OHHHMYYFUCKINGGODDDD!! I'M DO GODDAMN FULL!! and now my stomach is churning and shit from the laxatives.. fuck my life!! oh yeahh but when i weighed myself when i got home i was at 100.7 so i was ecstatic and thought i could eat a small snack and well as i said before i started eating and didn't stop.. fuck my life... i'll post sometime later..

~Lindsey

hola people..(:

..well i just ate my dinner, about a cup and a half of granola and about a cup of fro-yo(: yummm.. oh and two extra strength laxatives. *cough cough* i know i'm so stupid! it's just that tomorrow is thursday and well i have a weigh in and i don't want to weigh more! and know i've been restricting and probably weigh less, not more. i'm starting to think that there isn't a cure, that the dream never dies, and just because i can cope, doesn't mean it's gone. i'm starting to doubt i'll ever get "better." i want to be pretty. i want to be attractive. i want to be skinny. me having BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) i see my self  as SO very fat. which helps nothing at all. and on top of everything it seems like i'm being spread way too thin (no pun intended) balancing school and softball and recovery and hardly any social life. i have no time ever! and the time i do have i'm sleeping because i'm always tired! i'm either physically drained from softball or emotionally drained from ACE and school and then i can do absolutely nothing. and i'm still trying to build up the courage to tell some people where i disappear off to for like over two hours at a time. and i have shit to do and my computers about to die so yeahhh..

~Lindsey

i'm so...

..ughhh!! i was just crying my eyes out over some sugar cookies i wasn't even gonna eat! they started crumbling and didn't look good so i start bawling and of course my mom is like what's wrong with you? and why are you acting like this? and my personal favourite it doesn't even matter. i hate that phrase. cause maybe it matters to me, a lot. and she's just like they're only cookies and it's fine me and emily will eat them and just every wrong thing that you could say. i don't see why little things like that just break me. i'm just not happy any more. i'm a teenager i should be happy. i shouldn't have to be in treatment and have to be on something to help me feel happy. i'm just crazy i think.

~Lindsey

soo sorry..

..sorry for no posts in a few days!! hellish weekend! any way REALLY upset!! i don't think i'll get to go to frequency!! (church thing) and my friend got sent to inpatient!! any way my mom is so uhhhh!! she's like your getting the fuck out of ACE so you don't have to expect anything of me and i don't have to come home to you. IK! BITCH! i'm not freaking high maintenance! all i ask for is her to be on time and not lock me out of the house! yeah! she locked me out of the house and left me to have a panic attack in the drive way! and then scream at me when my make-up runs and i have to go to ACE like that. cause apparently i want drama and pity and attention or what ever. ughhhh.. post later. 

~Lindsey

this is not...

..how i wanted to spend my Saturday night. i did not want to spend my Saturday night spend crouched over the toilet puking my fucking guts out. this sucks ass and my friend is getting sent to inpatient and my symptoms are still ruling my fucking life. i know this is going to sound extremely vain but what if i'm next to be sent to inpatient? and what if i'm the one in ten that dies from their ED? and what if i'm part of that forty percent that never recovers? what if i commit suicide from all of the shit that comes with Kate? and i know i'm part of the eighty percent of the girls who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery and are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay. and the biggest question: can i even recover? do i have the strength to recover? is it even possible? i want every thing that most girls want, i wanna be thin and pretty i want good grades i want a boyfriend and to get married and have kids, but what if i die before i get there? what if i die? this all too real and stressful for me. its a very real possibility for me to die if i'd rather spend saturday night puking my guts out over a normal fucking meal than with my friends. i'm addicted to my eating disorder and falling into a deep dark abyss than ends in my death. look at Kate as a parasite. she's gonna eat me away until there is  nothing left to save me or what is left isn't enough to save me. i will die from this if i don't stop, i've realized this and come to terms with it, but i haven't sunk low enough yet nor have i hit rock bottom. i'm convinced nothing can stop me now.

~Lindsey

wtf?..

..i'm still using symptoms and yet my schedule is being cut back again? okay that's cool. whatever. i had individual with Kelsey this morning and well i am keeping two groups, meal and transitions on Mondays. she hasn't been getting my weight recently so i'm thinking she doesn't know that when i say restricting i don't just mean like two bites of my sandwich left, and that i mean no food at all. and that it shows in my weight. i've gone since she stopped weighing me from about 108 lbs to about 102 lbs. okay so to most people that would be no big deal but it is because i lost that weight the wrong way and i know i did. i also know that i'm gonna be out of ACE before i can fucking know it too. and then we all know what will happen.. relapse relapse relapse. and now on top of it i'm doing shit that i haven't done in months i'm obsessively making food for other people and talking about food that i know i won't dare to eat. maybe i just haven't hit rock bottom yet, maybe i just haven't suffered enough to be through with this. fuck you Kate.

~Lindsey

laxatives suck and so does bingeing..

..since laxatives suck so bad why can't i stop eating them like candy?? and i hate bingeing and yet i did about four times this week and purged about six times this week.. but i like purging.. i'm crazy and fucked up and everything under the sun.. like the last week at school i've (as you all know) been taking so many laxatives so then my stomach has been so upset and i can't think!! and you know what? i know every god damn bad thing i'm doing to my body in having an eating disorder and yet i do this shit every fucking day. and do you what to know why i'm so damn angry and upset right now? because every fucking one of my friends ditched me for the Milton football game.. so i'm fucking pissed.. i needed something to do to numb me so i binged and purged.. i started binging about an hour ago then purged at like five and like just stopped, swallowed a shit-load of laxatives, now i'm blogging. aren't i just a big fucking ray of sunshine? ughhh..

~Lindsey

health class meltdown..

i think the title of this post explains it all.. i had a meltdown in health class when we were learning about eating disorders. full blown panic attack, running from the classroom to the nurse's office then being sent to the school counselor's office. just for the record i was wrong when i thought that i could handle being in health class learning about all this shit. any way, it turns out that i have to take health this quarter, but i can be exempt from the days when they're talking about eating disorders and dieting etc. so thank God for that. tomorrow i don't have to go to class anyway because of an orchestra thing at Milton, but the counselor gave me a pass for tomorrow and the next day  to go to the library instead of class. as it turns out she (counselor) worked at a place just like Ridgeview and knows about all of this. so it's all good. post later.

~Lindsey

Kate..

..well since i am the weirdest person ever i have decided to name my eating disorder. her name shall be "Kate" because the first time i felt insecure of my body was in like grade four while looking at a picture of Kate Moss and realizing i didn't look like her. so now that my eating disorder has a name i can officially hate it. anyhow today i had ACE and all.. in transitions group i decided that i am going to talk to my school counselor about my eating disorder and   how i feel being in health is triggering me. because, well, it is triggering me like they're teaching about eating disorders, loosing weight, exercising as much as possible, and preventing obesity. one the things said in that class were that to loose weight one must restrict ones caloric intake to little as possible and up ones exercise as much as possible. triggering right? i mean stuff that is being taught in there goes against everything that my nutritionist and therapist and everyone at ACE has told me. excuse my tongue but, what the fuck is wrong with you people? feeding kids that don't know any better lies? having them fear obesity and the tiniest bit of fat and restrict? dumb-asses! 'till next time..

~Lindsey

well..

..i'm back at the house(<- notice how i didn't say "home") weekend with Dad is over.. nothing really happened, except i feel like i really pigged out, cause well, i did. put on weight? i don't know maybe, maybe not. i went for a walk by myself and danced and shit on the rocks on the creek and lake-thingy. i looked like an escaped mental patient for sure, i mean i could be, i'm crazy as fuck. whhoooooooooaaaaa.. like what if this (my life, the universe, etc..) is all a dream from the mind of some greater power, and i, you, everything isn't even real? what if said greater power, or whom ever you believe in, is dreaming of this universe and none of it is really existing? if everything you thought was concrete and surely real is all just..nothing? you get my point-sorta? well see? that so proves that i could be crazy. as for my legit craziness, it seems as though i have intrusive thoughts often, like thoughts, not critical of myself exactly, that are bothersome and uncontrollable. i mean, yeah, i have many other mentally insane symptoms. like, maybe not this but, being able to write such dark and depressing poetry shit then be ditzy happy go lucky shit in like 2 minutes fat. weird right? be happy and shit then go like "oh fuck the world.. i'm ready to die" and shit. never said i was normal now did i? goodnight duckies, have sweet dreams, and make good choices(<- cliche)

~Lindsey

what happened to...

...the fuller figure being ideal? forty years, or however long ago, the fuller curvier figure was thought of as beautiful, and now the thin-as-can-be-anorexic-look is the thing to be. look at Marilyn Monroe she was gorgeous and had "meat" on her bones. i wanna know why society pressures people and women especially to fit the "thin" ideal image, it's just not healthy for a grown woman to look the way most models look. did you know that the average model is 5'7 and weighs less than 117lbs? that's just not right or healthy for anyone. i mean i would like to be fit and slim but if that means compromising my health i'm afraid that it's just not worth it. the world needs role models not inspirations to be skinny. little girls were not born to hate their own bodies and to diet, they were taught that. i think that kids should be taught that the human body is beautiful and should be treated as a temple, for you only get one life on this Earth and only one mortal body so why hurt yourself any further? that goes for everything, eating disorder or not, this lesson can be applied to just life in general.

~Lindsey

well it's 9/11, that explains alot

it's 9/11 so that explains why my is acting like she has a stick up her ass. you'd think that world war III was about to break out any second by the way she's acting. she's being a humongo bitch yelling at me every two seconds over absolutely nothing. i had my session with Kelsey this morning and well yeahh.. she basically said don't let what Karen the family therapist says because it only upsets me and stuff.. i'm at my dad's place so yeah i'm at a better place now than i was because i'm away from my mother. (: i'll post again soon- hopefully

~Lindsey

hate me, rate me, but you can't change me

well.. i might as well tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. i'm Lindsey Strozier, i'm thirteen years of age and i am not my eating disorder. i do have an eating disorder and i am trying to be more open about it, so step one: start a blog. i'm telling random people of my troubles over the internet. a new high. not really. as for my actual eating disorder i am ED-NOS a.k.a eating disorder not otherwise specified, i am anorexic and bulimic i guess you could say. hell i could even be a binge eater or have purging disorder, hell, i do. since grade four i've been self conscious because unlike other little girls i had put on weight and was at least a 32-B  in bra size. so yes i was far more developed than most other girls. i weighed more and was taller. i felt so different. in grade five i decided to do something about it. i didn't want to eat so that i could loose weight, so lunches i spent in the nurse's office so noone could ask questions as to why i was not eating. but for a long while my weight stayed the same. in grade six i lost weight, a lot of weight. i went from 8 half stone (119lbs) to a little under 7 half stone (<105lbs). in seventh grade i discovered purging. i loved it. i don't know why. i love the way it felt, i love the way it makes me feel after.. i just can't describe it. so after i discovered purging i discovered binging. i don't really like binging though.. but i would binge so that i had a "justified" reason to purge. but i didn't only purge.. i liked restricting too. i liked that i was "strong" enough to go with out food. of course i had no idea the affect i was doing to myself and by the time i had health class i was to far gone. i was in denial, believing that there was no way that i was like those emaciated girts in the text book. but i was.  i was exactly like them. then i started journaling, what i ate that is. the calories or fat grams or what i purged and when. i had all these weird rules about food and foods that were okay and ones that were forbidden to eat. my mother found this journal and freaked. i tried to explain it was simply a diet and she brushed it off. then one day i felt ill just a sinus infection so she takes me to the doctor and they weigh me and say my weight is down and i'm like hell ya! then the doctor comes in and says well she can go to the Atlanta Center for Eating-Disorders, or go to inpatient. and she lists off a billion inpatient places i'm just in shock and glaring. now a long time later i'm still at ACE (Atlanta Center for Eating-Disorders) and have started grade eight. i'm taking steps down the recovery road with times where i take a step forward and three steps back, as well as times in which i am stagnant so now i make no promises to me being progressive or anything of the sort.

SincerelyYours,
Lindsey