Okay.

He wasn't an ass- hole... At all. But yeah, I'm leaving for 'til Wednesday to go on the the Walk with my youth group. So no posts for a little while. Love always <3
~Lindsey

Awk.

Wish me luck tonight as I go out to meet my mother's boyfriend... And have dinner with them. Anxiety attack, I'm coming. Eating with my mother and people for the matter really stresses me out and so that's why eating with people for me is a no no. Fingers crossed he's not a total ass-hole.

~Lindsey

Oops. I purged.

Looking back I think: "What the hell??" It really wasn't that much food , but I had that full feeling that brings on the panic. I'm fine now but my throat's a little scratchy.
~Lindsey

Help

I'm having a panic attack over two eggs and two pieces of turkey bacon. It may not seem like much no anyone normal, but  it may as well be a pint of ice cream to me. I'm losing it. I'm crazy.
~Lindsey

Just leave me to die

I'm done. I wish I could kill myself. I'm out of control, I literally cannot stop bingeing and purging. I thought I was in control, my control is controlling me. I'm bingeing and purging up to 6 times a day and I seriously want to die. I want someone to care. I want someone to love me, but most of all I want someone to help me, please. I actually want to go back to ACE. I want to go see Kelsey. I want to be well again, because I'm dying one minute at a time. Help me, please.
~Lindsey

Uhm... Hi.

Yeah, sure, just let me sit here all upset for no reason, pretending I'm fine. What ever. Yes, I am fine. I'm Fucked- up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional so yeah, I'm fine. I'm crazy, depressed, insecure, unstable, barely hanging on, and I'm ill. I'm sick and I need help that I will never get. I'm a believer so when I finally die, I'll be in Heaven, and finally free. Just kill me, please.
~Lindsey

I'm stuck, again.

My mom went out to Chik-fil-A and I stupidly asked for a chicken salad sandwich. Fuck. I don't want to eat, however I feel bad to throw it away when I know that there are starving children elsewhere. Cliche I know. I know that if I do eat it I'll just throw it up anyway so why bother eating it and putting myself through more pain? I know that any normal person would eat if they were hungry but no, I have to be a dumb-ass and slowly kill myself through starvation and purging. You know, I honestly hate myself sometimes.
~Lindsey

I can't be bulimic, I'm in control.

I'm fine, I swear. I just need help. A lot of help. So I just binged and purged for the millionth time but seriously, I'm in control. No, I'm not. I'm lying and I'm dying. If I keep going on this way I'm going to die and maybe I want to if nothing changes. I'm selfish, I'm hopeless, I'm hungry and USELESS. The sad part is, had I not been so damn lazy and had gone to XC practice, this would have never happened. I was on youtube and I came across a certain song that stuck out. A lot. One certain line really tugged on my heart strings: "Fasting, Stop trying, Not eating, Then dying." This pretty much describes me. I'm about to break and go to a point of no return if someone does not soon save me from myself. But no one cares enough to save me from me. For me depression has but one cure, and no one's here to keep me from saving myself. I need help. I'm screaming out for help. Why does no one come to help?! I'm finally ready to open up and no one's here. I'm yet again alone. I wish I were as dead as feel. Save me, please.

~Lindsey

My Poetry. This is as open as it gets.

Mentally Insane:
I sit in my room all alone
Lights turned out, its dark
I feel like I'm swinging on a swing
In my mentally insane park.
My feet tucked up against me
Arms pulled in tight
I'm shaking as I realize
That I am certainly not all right.
I close my eyes
As tight as I can
I see the frightening face
Of an evil man.
People, places, things
They all run through my mind
I know I'm mentally insane
And I've went this way for the last time.
I now see blood
And a knife
I tell my self "Think
It will end all your strife".
I close my eyes tighter
And picture the gun
Then I think
"Hmm, might be fun".
So dont tell me
I already know I'm mentally insane
And now I'm taking the dark path
And traveling down suicide lane.
I want to make things
Slow and painful
I'm ready to do it
And to free my soul.
So I take the knife
Off the floor
And cut myself
More and more.
I see the blood
Run down my wrists and neck
I know I'll be dead
Just give me a sec.
I see the growing
Bright pool of red
As I sit
And watch it spread.
I look around but vision
Soon goes black
Now I have
My heart rate lack.
I finally know
That I am dead
And have ended life
With all of its dread.
I have actually
Ended all of the pain
Even though I was
Mentally Insane.





Voices:
The Voices, 
They tell me to do it,
The Voices,
They're scary shit,
The Voices,
Made me tun to the knife,
The Voices,
Try to make end my life,
The Voices,
Fill my head,
The Voices,
Fill me with dread,
The Voices,
They want me dead,
The Voices,
They will me to do wrong,
The Voices,
They are strong,
The Voices,
They want my gun,
The Voices,
They want it to my head,
The Voices,
They want the trigger pulled,
The Voices,
They want the knife undulled,
The Voices,
Will make me kill me,
The Voices,
Made my life done,
The Voices,
They won.




As It Was Written:
As I hold the gun to my head,
My heart fills with dread,
There is nothing more to be said,
My finger gripps the trigger,
And your eyes grow bigger,
You plead for me not to,
If only you knew,
Knew of the cuts,
No if's an's or buts,
You look at me,
As if I were a falling tree,
Ready to explode,
Explode from within,
So I move the gun under my chin,
Ready to kill myself,
As It Was Written,
In my suicide note,
This is no joke,
And at that I pull the trigger.




Dead To Myself:
I have died,
Though I still strive,
I am Dead to Myself,
I am a downward spiral,
You may try to reach me,
But I am too far gone,
Do you not see?,
I want to die,
To cry,
To jump from the sky,
And fall to the ground,
And die.
I am Dead to Myself,
Wishing for thine death,
Praying for thy last breath,
And hoping it hurts,
I hope I get the pain,
The pain I deserve,
For all others' strain,
I deserve hell,
From where I fell,
Let the depression in,
Let the madness in,
And let my emotions run free,
Before I hang from a tree,
Allow my shell to wither away,
For nothing is inside,
I am Dead to Myself.
This may all be in my head,
The need to be dead.




The Suicide Life:
I want to die,
I need to feel pain,
And so I cry,
I am weak and scared,
As well as scarred,
How could I not see,
It was easy,
Until I cut to deep,
And my blood begins to seep,
Seep all over,
I was glad,
I felt the high,
I was going to die,
I don't recall living,
Only getting by,
This was a blessing,
I was winning,
I pass out,
I don't awake as they shout,
And they shake me about,
I deserved this,
A devil's kiss,
On my wrist,
I want pain,
A pain so feirce,
As if to break the strongest chain,
And thus crumble to peices,
Ending my life,
Ending my troubles,
Now my life is done,
This is now a game I won.




Let's Pretend:
Let's Pretend,
That this is the end,
That I'm okay,
There's nothing left to say,
Nothing to lose,
Nothing to gain,
Only my pain.
Pain is real,
In the absence of fear,
Let's Pretend,
That pain is good,
And death is great,
And all according to fate,
At this rate I'll be dead,
Found facedown in my bed,
Let's Pretend,
That someone cared,
And I was not just scared,
Let's Pretend,
That I want to live,
And have no life to give,
That I have no strain,
And wasn't so damn vain,
But then again,
This was all pretend.


These are all my original work. Perhaps now you see why I don't let many people in. Any sane person would run away screaming from someone like me. The sad thing is when sometimes someone wants in and I am too scared to hurt them that I don't let them in, and they get hurt anyway. But as all these poems openly expressed I am messed up, I'm crazy, and I'm depressed. I just pray that someone will try to save me from the shell that I've become.
~Lindsey

Well, I'm still alive.

It is true. I'm still alive, I'm breathing, and my heart is beating. However, why do I only feel alive if I'm doing something that makes me forget, about my life, my family, my lack of close friends that I am actually honest and comfortable with... But that's okay, I'm getting what I wanted. I'm becoming hollow, an empty shell of my formal self and I suppose that's just how things are going to be. No one's going to help me because I won't let them, and they will just give up on me because that's what I seem to want. It's not. No one wants to be alone, no one wants to be empty and hollow, no one wants to be dead inside. Then why do I? Why am I crazy and fine with being hollow and dead inside? Why am I so abnormal? I'll post some exerts from some poems that I've written on another website and maybe someone, anyone, will understand me.
~Lindsey

Well, yeah.

Well, on Saturday my team brought home runner-up in our tournament, and earlier today I had a XC scavenger hunt and pool party. Loved it. Uhm, I was just talking to a guy that I kinda used to like, a lot. I opened up like 1/4 of the way to him, saying how nothing's wrong in my life, however I'm just not happy. He already knew that I don't like talking about my feelings, he just doesn't know that I don't talk about them since I left therapy. I don't want to talk about them; I wish they just weren't there, as if I were simply hollow. I think I would like to be much more like that. I want to show that I'm strong, not weak and someone who gives into their feelings so easily. But I've come to the decision to send him the link to this blog; I think he wants to know. I have no idea why, but he seems to want to know what has made me this way. Fingers crossed he still looks at me the same way?
~Lindsey

Why yes, I am crazy.

So I've not updated in a while. Sorry for that. I've not been particularly busy I just am not very good at time management at all. Just so it's all open and clear, I have been bingeing and purging, not a ton of restricting, but yes, restricting too. I purge way more frequently now than I did before and during treatment, and that pisses me off. I'm doing worse after treatment?? I know, what the fuck. I don't monitor my weight like I used to, but my body. I watch my shape and how my clothes fit, which does no good because I have BDD... Ughh. If only life weren't so difficult at times. Oh, and I have joined the Cross Country team at Milton and I'm taking a season off from JV softball. Wish me luck? The running is not so bad at all and I'm hoping to meet some amazing people. Maybe this could be a new start since the softball community is all political maybe the cross country community is actually fair? Fingers crossed and hope to update more frequently, Love always.

~Lindsey