..how i wanted to spend my Saturday night. i did not want to spend my Saturday night spend crouched over the toilet puking my fucking guts out. this sucks ass and my friend is getting sent to inpatient and my symptoms are still ruling my fucking life. i know this is going to sound extremely vain but what if i'm next to be sent to inpatient? and what if i'm the one in ten that dies from their ED? and what if i'm part of that forty percent that never recovers? what if i commit suicide from all of the shit that comes with Kate? and i know i'm part of the eighty percent of the girls who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery and are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay. and the biggest question: can i even recover? do i have the strength to recover? is it even possible? i want every thing that most girls want, i wanna be thin and pretty i want good grades i want a boyfriend and to get married and have kids, but what if i die before i get there? what if i die? this all too real and stressful for me. its a very real possibility for me to die if i'd rather spend saturday night puking my guts out over a normal fucking meal than with my friends. i'm addicted to my eating disorder and falling into a deep dark abyss than ends in my death. look at Kate as a parasite. she's gonna eat me away until there is nothing left to save me or what is left isn't enough to save me. i will die from this if i don't stop, i've realized this and come to terms with it, but i haven't sunk low enough yet nor have i hit rock bottom. i'm convinced nothing can stop me now.
~Lindsey
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